The View From The Top

Sex And The Married Man

2006-06-21T03:36:00.000-04:00

Ahh the days of early wedded bliss. Think back if you will (and if you can), to the good old days. Back when you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Back to when you would get that phone call at work asking you to come right home afterwards because you were missed. Oh yeah, we all remember what that meant ;) Back in the days that a candle burning was a signal that something special was about to occur in the bedroom. Oh yes, the wonderful, glorious first days of marriage.

But then, one day, it all came crashing down like a cheerleader pyramid at a fat camp. Oh don't get me wrong, my wife still can't keep her hands off me. She needs both of them on me to push me away when I move in for a kiss. And she still phones me at work asking me to come straight home. Usually because she needs me to look after the rugrat so she can get a few things done. And those candles, oh what a horrendous turn of events. A candle burning still means something special. It's a warning beacon that means you should wait before entering the bathroom, or else deal with the unspeakable consequences.

What exactly is it that causes this monumental shift? Is there some kind of correlation between the day you start crapping with the door open and the day she stops wanting to get intimate? Or could it be that the polish has started to wear off the old, "Well, nothing on the tube, let's go do it!" routine. Maybe it's the fact that we now strut about the house nude while getting dressed, or coming from the shower, or just because we can.

But the thing is, us men have to put up with these changes in daily routine the same as women do, (Ok, maybe not the nude strutting. But wouldn't that be great!?!) but this does nothing to curb our enthusiasm. So why is it that women decide that 6 months into the new marriage that sex has now become as desirable as scrubbing that black crap that forms on the bottom of the bathtub? And why is it that unmarried women of similar ages, races and backgrounds want sex a lot more than their married counterparts do? I mean, I'm pretty sure the same routine changes occur when you're living with someone, so why are those lucky bastards still getting it?

My team of researchers and I have looked into this and discovered the key. The marriage certificate. This piece of paper holds the key to sex or lack thereof. Women not in possession of this sacred document still feel the need to work to keep their man interested. Conversely, those women who hold this all-powerful relic realize that most men will be more inclined to gripe about their lack of nookie than pay half their monthly salaries to look for a new Twister partner. And just in case we happen to start tipping the scales in that direction, women will throw us the occasional bone (no pun intended) to make us think that our fortunes are soon to change. News flash...they aren't.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am by no means considering dissolving my marital partnership. I am a happily married, but unhappily undersexed, man. I have, with the help of professional sports, come up with the perfect idea to help those who come behind me in the hallowed footsteps down the aisle. An expiration date. That's right, set a validity period of 5 years, then put the old certificate up for renewal. Sure, not much may change in the intermediate period, but hold on to your hats when it's a contract year!!! But, alas, little is likely to happen in that regard. And even if it does, it's a little late for us grizzled veterans. At least we can still get together and bitch about it to our other married male friends. And keep hoping for that day when the legendary hormonal shift occurs, and we can be the ones to start turning them down!!! So laugh while you can, ladies, the day of reckoning will come!!!

Won't it?

Deep Thoughts That I Did Not Think

2006-06-21T02:09:00.000-04:00

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out too long.

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it's about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

If we could just get everyone to close his or her eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Cow's Milk, Goat's Milk & Mother's Milk

2006-03-11T04:34:00.000-05:00

Something about the wee frickin' hours of the morning that make me want to get on here and type away. I'm not sure why, and I don't plan to waste much time thinking about it. Today is my birthday, and I'm sitting here at work. When I go home I am going to bed. When I wake up I am going to a friend's Stag and Doe. Happy flippin' B'Day!!! But seriously, I'm looking forward to going this evening. Partly because I'd like to support my friend's upcoming wedding by giving my time and money to aid their cause, mostly because I want to see my friends and co-workers get drunk and humiliate themselves. Again. Yesterday was the bride's shower, which of course I did not attend (Women only at these affairs, you know). I bring this up because word filtered back down to me that a conversation that I had with the bride the other day was a hot topic at this event. The conversation was in regards to breast milk. It seems I am a bit of an anomaly since I have not partaken in the age old ritual of breast milk tasting. I have not invited friends and family to a soiree, indulging in good food, good company and the oh-so-popular Mother's Milk Sampler. There are many methods of partaking in the Milk taste challenge. Some participants drink from bottles or multi-coloured party cups, while a select few get to tap the keg directly, so to speak. Some of the better endowed (or more flexible) mothers may enjoy a solo-suckle, while others will have to rely on steady aim. Protective eye gear is recommended for first time participants in the latter. Now, upon realization of how much of a pariah I have become in the Milk Lover's social circle, I still have no burning desire to rush out and taste this sweet nectar of life. I mean, realistically you can extract milk from a lot of things and I'm in no big hurry to sample the fruits of those labours. In closing, the argument presented to me by the leader of the Pro-Tasting Comittee was that this is something that is produced by your body, and there is nothing disgusting about tasting it. My reply to her, and to all you supporters out there, is simply this: My body produces a lot of things too, but you won't see me sampling any of my excretions.

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

2006-02-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-Most detectives can only solve a case once they have been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, killing time by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

And in other news....

2006-02-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

I'm too tired to write anything original today, so I figured I'd post a few odd news stories that caught my eye. Enjoy:

Make Yourself At Home
Most burglars do their best to get in and out of a victim’s home quickly and quietly, but that wasn’t the case with one robber in Wisconsin.Police in Baraboo have arrested a 24-year-old man they allege is responsible for three break-ins. When the suspect got inside the homes, he took his time and brewed some coffee, whipped up some snacks and took showers.Sheriff Brian Rahn says the robber even checked his e-mail on the victims’ computers and Lori Menzel claims the burglar left his Yahoo account open on her laptop when he broke in.Imagine if she’d come home to find this robber in her favourite bra and panties set.

Man Bites Mailman
HOUMA, La. — A mail carrier got bitten — by a barking man, police said. Mark D. Plumb, 20, of Butler, Mo., was arrested and charged with simple battery after he ran barking from a house and bit the letter carrier on the shoulder, police spokesman Lt. Todd Duplantis said. Plumb said he bit the carrier as a joke, and has no history of criminal activity or mental illness, police said. Plumb was released from the Terrebonne Parish jail after posting $165 bond.

Thief Leaves Wallet Behind
COLUMBUS, Miss. — It wasn't hard for police to track down the man they say robbed a Trustmark Bank this week. The suspect apparently left his wallet and identification at the scene of the crime. Terrell Green, 26, of Jackson, was charged with Wednesday's robbery. Police Lt. Tom Thompson said a man walked into the bank wearing a white T-shirt, blue jeans and sunglasses, and handed the teller a note from his wallet demanding money. When the teller asked what she should do with the money, the man handed her a white pillowcase into which she placed seven $100 bills, 17 $50 bills and numerous smaller bills and a dye pack, Thompson said. The man took the pillowcase and left, authorities said. Police set up checkpoints to search for the suspect but had to look no further than the bank counter, where the suspect's wallet was found with his identification inside. Following information from the wallet, Thompson said investigators went to the suspect's mother's home and arrested Green as he was walking out the front door. Thompson said Green was being held without bond pending an initial court appearance.

WOUNDED MAN TRIES TO REMOVE BULLET HIMSELF
Wichita, Ka. — A 24-year-old man reported to police that he heard gunshots, realized he had been shot in the chest, then tried to remove the bullet with the pointy end of a meat thermometer. The man was in good condition at a hospital. The man said he heard three gunshots, walked out to look around, then realized that he had been wounded in the upper chest, police Sgt. Steve Hiser said. After trying to remove the bullet himself, the man walked to Via Christi Regional Medical Center where he was listed in serious condition and was admitted for observation.

BLIND WOMAN RECOVERS SIGHT AFTER HEART ATTACK
England, AFP — A 74-year-old woman who had been blind for 25 years awoke in a British hospital after suffering a heart attack and could see again. The Daily Telegraph newspaper reports she told her husband, "You've got older." Doctors were at a loss to explain how Joyce Urch, who lived in a world of shadows and near darkness since 1979, had recovered her sight after the heart attack 16 months ago. Urch, who was treated at Walgrave Hospital in Coventry, where doctors spent three days battling to save her life, called it a "miracle."

Cease And Desist

2006-02-08T17:29:00.000-05:00

To The Editor of The View From The Top,

We are writing this letter to kindly request your compliance. It seems that our website has been linked through yours without express consent. Although we do appreciate any additional traffic that our site and our magazine receives, we are a little distressed by the content of your site which directs them to us. It seems that you are demeaning our positions as male medical professionals through your posts. As such, we are not looking for the type of referral that you may be giving guests of your site. We are kindly requesting that you remove the link to our magazine from your website. We would also like to say that we are very disappointed in the attitude that people such as yourself have towards men in the nursing profession. We are very proud of who we are and what we do. I hope in the future you will reconsider your position on this matter.

Thank you,

Jerry R Lucas, RN
Publisher of Male Nurse Magazine

___________________________________________________________

Dear Jerry R Lucas, Male Nurse

I apologize for any inconveniences that I may have caused to you at http://www.malenursemagazine.com. I understand that men in your chosen profession probably get made fun of quite a bit, and that my posts may encourage my readers to continue (or start if they aren't already involved) in that behaviour. I must admit, however, that I am unsure how the three people who read my blog affect you over at http://www.malenursemagazine.com, but I will comply with your wishes. That being said, I will imediately remove the link to http://www.malenursemagazine.com from my previous post. I will also ensure that no further links to http://www.malenursemagazine.com appear in any of my future posts as well. I trust that if you, or anybody else at http://www.malenursemagazine.com, have any problems in the future with my content you will not hesitate to let me know. I will also be sure to contact you at http://www.malenursemagazine.com should I have any issues.

Thanks,

Rick
Publisher of The View From The Top

Cards & Coconuts

2006-02-02T02:54:00.000-05:00

It started with a rousing game of Wizard (no, this is not a new version of Dungeons and Dragons. This is actually a card game, albeit one that requires no skill whatsoever), it carried through deep conversations about electro hair removal, and it culminated in an impromtu guitar jam session. No, this was not a really pathetic high school party (or, if you're a really pathetic person, a completely kick-ass high school party). This was actually an evening at work. I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning with my friends and co-workers Shane, Kelly & Leigh. I'm sleep deprived, a little under the weather, and a bit disappointed after learning that another of my co-workers has apparently bumped ahead of me in the all important "Who We Like Better" list on my adopted platoon. Nevertheless, this is a place of business, and we can't allow such minor issues to affect our job. I mean, there are important things to be done tonight, as we have now moved into the Open Mic portion of the jam. Right about now, some of you doubters in the crowd are labeling me a liar. A damn hot liar. Alas, I am telling the truth. This is what is unfolding around me at work. A musical sidenote to the cards and conversations that have taken place throughout the shift. Before you get all uptight, thinking that my work is nothing but fun and games, let me set some things straight. Work environments, for most, are zones of constant learning. Here it is no different. For example, tonight we learned that women don't have to remove their panties to get a Brazilian wax, and that most respectable aestheticians refuse to do a male Brazilian, or what I have dubbed "The Amazon" (clear cut the rainforest, leaving nothing but the trunk and the coconuts). I guarantee that you don't get this kind of on the job education as, say, a male nurse. By the way, before I go, I want to convey my deepest apologies to the male nursing community. I have mocked them in the past and present (and most likely the future), but recently found that they are not an anomaly on the medical world, but instead a growing population. I vow to take these professional pioneers more seriously in the future.
For more information on this noble and completely respectable profession, please check out the Male Nurse Magazine website at:

*link removed by request*

Okay, I couldn't keep a straight face typing that last bit. And yes, that is a real magazine.

When You Assume......

2006-01-28T15:16:00.000-05:00

Someone said that to me the other day. You know, the stupid old saying "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." I replied to him, "I'm already aware that I'm an ass, so you're really the only one with anything to lose in this scenario."

Overnight Blues

2006-01-25T01:10:00.000-05:00

I am currently in hour 6 of my 12 hour overnight shift. While the rest of you are either sleeping away in your cozy beds, watching late night informercials (Pick up the phone...), making love to your significant other, or just man-handling the meat stick, I am sitting here trying to figure out how I will remain awake for the second half of this marathon. You see, had this been a normal night I would have little trouble keeping the eyelids open. However, to truly understand my pain you have to understand that my shifts have been in flux for the past few days. Here's a re-cap:
Friday and Saturday I enjoyed overnight shifts (from 7pm to 7am), Sunday I had off (but don't think for a second that I actually had an opportunity to sleep when I got home. Instead I had to prepare for...) Monday I worked a day shift (from 7 am to 7pm) leading me to tonight, once again an overnight (7pm to 7am in case you forgot already). Maybe tomorrow I can catch a bit of a nap, because I get to sleep in on Thursday (I don't report to work until 8:30 am).
This sleep depriving schedule from hell caused me to to start thinking about what the worst jobs (in my opinion) might possibly be. I have come up with a top five, which I will list and explain here (in reverse order of course):

5. Cab Driver - If you have read my "Safest Method Of Travel" blog you'll understand why I feel that they have the most dangerous job in the world. But aside from that, how disgusting are cabs? I mean come on!!! I have had (as I'm sure we all have) the unpleasant experience of riding in a cab that really allowed my imagination to take flight and question what was actually transported before me. I couldn't imagine actually having to be face to face with it (or rearview mirror to face at least). However, according to late night tv, cabs could also be full of drunk, nubile women who love to show of their woman parts - so I guess this job is just a crapshoot.

4. Plumber - Ok, sure they seem to make a decent amount of money (considering how much they frickin' charge every time they stick a washer into a tap), but what other profession has inspired such a fashion trend? The plumbers crack is universally known, and that is usually the first thing that comes to mind whenever that job is mentioned. Besides that, who wants to make a living playing around in human excrement? Maybe just sewer workers (tied for 4 with plumber), or really disturbed fetishists(is this a real word?). However, the flip side of the coin is that (if adult entertainment is to be believed) hot women routinely call plumbers just to seduce them and force them into threesomes with their hot roomates. However, that's only if the pizza guy didn't get there first.

3. Male Nurse - You're a male, and you're a nurse. Enough said.

2. Seaman - Imagine telling someone what you do..."Hi, I'm Steve. What's that? Oh, I'm a Seaman. No no, not semen, seaman. Why are you laughing at me? Grow up, I mean I'm a sailor! Why's that even funnier?" This could go on and on.

1. Tele-worker - I use the term worker to blanket the entire telecommunications world. From telemarketer to collections agent to customer service representative to phone sex operator...it all stinks. Trust me, I speak from experience. I have done it all. Well, almost all. But let me say, there's a good reason why these places are always hiring. If they did suicide stats on tele-representatives I'm sure they would be pretty high. On the flip side, you tend to get a pretty spiffy cubicle to work in (but not personalize, lest the relief personnel who shares your desk get upset).

Have you got a really crappy job? Let me know. I would love to display your horrific work stories right here on this site that no one reads! Which I guess makes writing this blog a pretty crappy job too.

Election

2006-01-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

Well, it's election day in Canada. If you are anything like me, then you probably don't have a great idea as to who you will be voting for. I am not really all that enamoured with any of the candidates. Although there are stands I agree with in this election, they come from the spectrum of parties. Plus, the real question is, how many of these campaign promises are actually going to be kept? My guess would be not too many. Oh well. I plan to leave my voting decision up to the last minute. Too bad the Natural Law Party doesn't exist anymore. Sure, I wouldn't vote for them either, but the sight of them bouncing around in the lotus position on their television commercials is something I will never forget. Happy voting folks!!!

Two In One Day?

2006-01-22T04:25:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I go on a hiatus for a few years, then all the sudden plunk down two blogs in one night. But I felt compelled to write as for some unexplainable reason I was thinking a little bit about that William Hung guy. Remember him? That weird oriental kid who sang really crappily on American Idol, then performed the national anthem for a few sporting events, and even released a CD? It sort of saddens me that people can turn this guy into some sort of cult hero for just being a horrible singer who was completely oblivious to how bad he actually was. Let's be honest here people, nobody goes on American Idol assuming they suck. Look at that gag spinoff show, American Superstar (I think that's what it was called) on the WB. All of those contestants were horrid, but they thought they were spectacular. Why are we feeding these peoples delusions? Oh yeah, because it's frickin' hilarious!!! I think that for the next show we should run a modelling contest and have only the most hideously disfigured people advance. Or maybe have show like the bachelor, except at the very end he picks one lucky lady, and then everyone comes out and laughs at her as he dumps her and tells her that he actually thinks she is a complete idiot and that she's fat and ugly. Come on, wouldn't this be great? I think not. But depressingly, someone somewhere is probably actually thinking of doing this. Maybe we can make a show about the person making that show, and then laugh when he gets his ass kicked by the duped contestants at the end. Now that's entertainment.

What ever happened to....?

2006-01-22T03:46:00.000-05:00

I feel like I just crawled out of a crypt. It's probably been at least 2 years since I have posted on my little acre of the internet. And the worst part is, it's not really like I've been doing a whole lot that would keep me from continuosly posting. I am just motivationally challenged. That being said, I have decided that I will blow the dust off my keyboard and begin once again to utilize that small part of my brain that is not preoccupied with sex, sports, playstation and sex to place words upon your screens. Not that anyone actually reads this crap, but hey...it's cheaper than therapy. In my absence from the typed word, I have had quite an opportunity to find out more about myself and the world that I was dropped into. I have been laid off from my job, had a son, lazed about my apartment collecting EI, got another more fulfilling job, bought a house, and found that my wife is expecting our second child. In all of this, I have not bothered to type one thing. Yep, I am one lazy mofo. But again, who reads this stuff anyways? Hopefully someone, at some time, even by accident, will stumble across this space. And maybe that someone will be intrigued enough to return. And just maybe, I may have gotten off my lazy ass long enough to add another post to this page. But since you're here now, why not read my archive. It's pretty funny if you ask me. Anyways, I'm out of here for now, maybe forever. Only time will tell.

The Wonderful World of Wal-Mart

2004-06-10T11:18:00.000-04:00

I went shopping the other day and swung by the Wal-Mart for a few items. A few items. This is a term that no longer exists when you step through those doors. You walk in to buy some Q-tips and walk out with a haircut, new tires, a happy meal and $800 worth of crap. Odds are you don't even get the Q-tips.
And what's the deal with that greeter? You know, that guy who stands by the front door saying "Hello, you need a buggy?" But not to everyone, of course. He needs to make sure that he is really selective about who he greets. A high profile guy like that can't just talk to anyone, you know. I have never once been greeted. I've seen it done to others before, but never to myself. Makes a guy feel good. I'm actually insulted to think that I am being looked down on by the Wal-Mart greeter. Here's this guy looking like he couldn't even afford to shop there if he didn't work there, who has no education to speak of, who's main qualification for the job is the ability to breathe, and he's shunning me!!! Very special indeed.
But that doesn't stop me. I'll show them by shopping there every weekend. That'll learn 'em who's boss. Besides, who else will take back all my useless junk? I mean really? I return stuff I bought a year ago and they still take it. Hell, I return stuff I never even bought there. I walk in with an armload of stuff that I picked up at Zellers ten years ago, and sure enough they'll take it back.
And when did Wal-Mart become the place to beat your kids? Every time I go in, there's at least one kid getting his ass whupped in there. Kids must be terrified of that place. I think that's where you take them when they screw up. "Get in the truck, we're going to Wal-Mart".
But fear not. I have found an answer to the evil Wal-Mart corporation. I want to open a store right next to it called “Mall-Mart”. We will sell all the same items, but at a slightly lower price. We will open 15 minutes later than them just to allow time for my employees to go in and check all their prices so we can sell it for 2 cents cheaper. People will come. We will provide a special “beating room” so people can go about punishing their kids in a safe a private environment as opposed to in the middle of the Rubbermaid aisle. There will still be a McDonalds, but the difference will be that the mandatory park bench with the plastic Ronald McDonald sitting there will have a large sign hanging above it that says “Please DO stand on Ronald” And the best part of it all is that anything we don’t sell we can return to Wal-Mart and get all of our money back.

Hiring soon.

The Safest Method Of Travel

2004-06-10T10:57:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine is coming home from New Zealand in a couple of weeks and will be taking an excessively long flight to get here. I don’t know how he can do it, seeing as I have never stepped on a plane before in my life. I am terrified of flying. Sure, people will tell me about how safe it is, and about how many people fly each year, or day, or minute. I don’t really care. I am doing everything in my power to stay on the ground when I travel. Well maybe on water also, but only water that’s attached to the ground. My friends and family try to provide me with statistics on the benefits and safety of flying, but I have some comparison stats of my own. Well, maybe not concrete statistics, but some pretty good ideas. For example, people say that there are more car accidents in a year than plane crashes. Well, that’s obvious. Especially when you consider the sheer number of cars on the road at any given time as compared to planes in the air. You never really hear to much about nose to tail air traffic, or about planes smacking into each other on a daily basis while flying around. Also, while on the topic of car accidents, you don’t get much of a warning when you get into an accident. You’re driving, singing along with the hot new Britney Spears song on the radio and “BAM!!!!” accident city. In a plane, you get time to think about it. You start to descend……..and you start to scream…….and then you run out of air, so you take a deep breath…….then you scream again……..then you get up and go to the bathroom…….you order a drink and some nuts from the stewardess, maybe a pillow too………you get back to your seat in time to grab the oxygen mask that flops down from the ceiling……..you scream a bit more………then you finally crash. Hmmmm, I think I’ll take the car accident. Plus, the likelihood of surviving a car crash is much higher than your chances of surviving a plane crash. You may be horribly disfigured, but alive. However, the safety of flying makes me consider the salaries of pilots. They make over $100,000 a year due to “The hazards involved with the profession.” The hazards? But we just heard that flying is so ridiculously safe. Safer than driving a car. In my opinion if people are going to get a higher salary for job hazards then pilots are seriously overpaid. They get to travel in the safest method known to man, while us poor shmucks on the ground are driving around in death traps! The real money should be given to cab drivers, they get into these ticking time bombs every day of their life!!! Let the reward match the risk, I say. Now last but not least, let’s talk about the boats. I don’t have too many figures on boats, but if planes are the safest mode of travel then boats must be lower on the safety totem pole. I’m thinking that maybe boats sink at a much more alarming rate than planes crash, but once again think of the survival chances. On boats you can swim away, if you get far enough away before the suction pulls you below water when the boat goes under. Then you only need to worry about getting tired and drowning, getting attacked by a hungry shark, or worse yet, getting tired and drowning while being attacked by a hungry shark. Or you may be lucky and get in a lifeboat. Not everyone gets a chance to ride in one, but your chances are not too bad. Especially if you a woman or a child apparently. Lucky for me, I am my mother’s child. Save me a seat on the boat.

Anyways, I’m out of here. Take it easy, and I’ll see you next time.

Gridlocked

2004-05-31T10:54:00.000-04:00

I was stuck in traffic this morning on the way home from dropping my wife off at work. While sitting there, staring at the drivers in the other cars, I got to thinking about the premise of a traffic jam. Basically what jams traffic is some guy stopped at the front of an ever-growing qeue of cars. Who is this guy? What made him decide to set up camp in the middle of a highway? I can understand when there is construction, but what about when there is absolutely no reason to be stopped. What makes this person do it? I've decided now that I want to be a traffic jammer. My mission is now to be the cause of the gridlock on the highway. But how to do it? You see, most highways now have two or three lanes, and to be an effective traffic jammer I would need to block off all of them. You could just block one, and cause a traffic slowdown by making everyone try to change lanes to go around you, but I don't want to just retard the process, I want to lock it up completely. Now this is where my plan gets complicated. It involves a prom limo rental, a vehicle hi-jacking, and an illegal cross-lane parking job on the highway. Once stopped, I would get out of the vehicle and enjoy a picnic on the gravel shoulder, laughing maniacally at the chaos I've created.

Just as my plan begins to formulate in my mind, the guy in the car behind me starts honking. Now there is a novel idea. Maybe the people crammed bumper to bumper just needed a little reminder that they were stopped, and the annoying blare of this Ford Tempo's horn was just the tonic needed to get traffic flowing again. This man would be heralded a traffic hero, saving us all. We could have a parade, with animal shaped balloons. However, no one moves, and the man just becomes an annoyance that makes me want to get out of my car and beat the living crap out of him. The main problem now is the fact that others believe this man to be a genius, and have joined in, causing a symphony of horns to be blown into the morning air. Now there are obviously too many people involved for me to deliver an effective beating, so I sit in misery, turning up the radio to try and drown out some of the noise. It is right at this moment that the four cups of coffee I drank this morning decide to announce their presence in the form of a pressure on my bladder, and even worse, a cramp in my stomache signaling the need for more than just a quick urinal visit, or the ever so popular roadside watering. Wonderful. But just when my forced experiment in bladder and bowel pressure tolerances was about to come to a decidely unpleasant end, the traffic started moving again. Moving rather quickly too, I might add, seeing as there was a complete standstill on this highway mere seconds ago. Therein lies the mystery. What caused this long stoppage in traffic flow? I never did discover what it was that caused me to be locked in my highway jail cell for so long, nor who bailed me out and sent me back into society a free man. The road was clear the rest of the trip home. Am I free forever from its grip? Unlikely. When will it strike again? I don't know. But I know that the evil traffic jammer is out there. Waiting to prey on innocent drivers everywhere. And who knows, if my plan ever comes to fruition, the elusive jammer could be me.

And just to make sure that I leave no loose ends, I feel it necessary to inform you that I did arrive, in the nick of time I might add, at a bathroom. All ended well for me, but probably not so well for whoever cleans the stalls in that particular Burger King.

Until next time.......

Take Two Of These And Call Me In The Morning

2004-05-31T10:52:00.000-04:00

As a worker with benefits I don’t usually think too much about prescriptions. However, being a jaded, ignorant jerk, I do usually think about the process of getting one filled. I look at the role of your everyday neighbourhood pharmacist. I look at the years of schooling, and the degrees these guys need, and then I wonder, what kind of qualifications does this job seriously need? I mean really? I have watched pharmacists very closely (while hangin out for the mandatory 20 minute waiting period they enforce before you get your meds) and realize that you could get a trained monkey to do the same job. How hard is their day? They show up, decrypt a series of scribbles, take a bunch of pills from a big bottle, put them into a small bottle, then send you on your way. That is their job. If you gave me an economy size jar of Tylenol and said "Put 20 of these in this little bottle", I’m pretty sure I’d be up for the challenge. So why is it that you need schooling for this? I’m certain that as long as you can read and count you could perform this task pretty admirably. Best of all, the stores generally give these workers a vantage point a good foot and a half above the average everyday Joe who needs a prescription filled. This way they get the optimum amount of space required to push pills around. I know that it would be an insurmountable task if they were on the same level as us. They have to be a good head taller than those around them to perform at their optimum "pill moving" level. Are they trying to feel more important? Are they upset because doctors can make people remove their shirts? Maybe to make them feel better we give them a spot to look down our shirts instead. Not as good, but still effective.

I think that doctors don’t like pharmacists too much either. I mean, they could easily print prescriptions in nice legible handwriting. Instead, probably just to piss off the almighty pharmacist, they scribble something unintelligible on a scrap of paper and say "Screw you! Try to decode this one, jackass!!! " Which I guess brings up another obvious question. How do we know we actually got what we were prescribed? We are really just taking this guys word for it. He could be throwing Tic-Tac’s into a bottle and telling us it’s medication. Who’s going to question him? He probably can’t read the prescription and says, "Screw it! I don’t care what this guy needs, he’s getting some breath mints, and that’s it! "

But just to leave you with a reversed viewpoint, here’s my final thought. What if the pharmacists are the real brains of the medical game? What if the doctors are just scribbling on a paper because they have no idea how to cure anything? Maybe the pharmacist is the one who really knows what’s going on. The doctor throws in the towel, and the pharmacist has to figure out what it is that’s really going to cure you. Kinda makes you wonder about those shady looking doctors.

Anyways, I'm outta here for now. But beware, I'm on the hunt for my next target. Piss me off, and it could be you. Until next time....